The UnDeadBeat Dad

Why dont you and Mommy live together?

2009-12-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

A scary question that all separated parents hate to hear. Really, any type of unconventional parenting units don't look forward to the day that this question gets asked. Perhaps in your situation the kids were old enough to be aware of what was happening and you had a chance to explain it to them. But for a lot of undeadbeat dads its a question that arises one day. Almost completely out of nowhere. As if the kid had been debating it for months and had finally worked up the courage to ask. This however is most likely not the case. The way that a child's mind works and the way that they communicate is far different from that of a adult. Most parents immediate reaction to questions about the separation is a flash of over complicated, or perhaps under complicated responses. We want to be honest, but not too honest. They don't need to know graphic details, but we don't want to lie. We try to think of how we can explain grown up problems and situations to a child who still believes in Santa clause. All these things go through our minds without us actually understanding the question. Although I will go into greater detail in communicating with our kids in the next section, we need to understand the lack of specifics typically involved in questions like this. Odds are they simply witnessed a a parenting situation on TV. Or at a friends house where both parents lived together and wondered why their parents didn't They aren't asking why there was a split, whose fault it was, or any of the complicated things we are preparing ourselves to answer. So the answer to why is that some families have Mommy and daddy living together and some don't Simple, and digestible. Don't give the kids more info then they are asking for because it will only confuse them. I believe in be honest with the kids, but not explaining something they are not prepared to deal with is by no means lying. Answer to questions that are asked, and tell the truth. Don't go into the details of infidelity and rage. They don't need to hear all that until they have the emotional and intellectual maturity to proper process it. This is however a situation where a script is necessary. Nothing will confuse the kids more then getting one answer for mom and a different one from Dad. Discussing it with their mom, can be a tricky subject for us to bring up but a very important one. If a simple and concise answer is agreed to by both parents and given to the kids when they ask then most likely they will just except it as the reality and not question it. If there are wild variations in long detailed explanations the questions will continue and it will lead to confusion and distrust.

The rants and opinions of an undeadbeat dad: rant 5643. Another drop off.

2009-10-05T15:24:00.001-07:00

So, there we were. At the same time(roughly since she's always late) and same place. We've been doing the drop of of Jr for a year and a half. Its fairly routine. Or at least it should be. But it never ceases to amaze me when she says something silly.I have always tried to keep the drop off structured. A little small talk to be polite, and the exchange of any important info, like reminders of scheduling, or updates on Jrs cold, whatever. Nothing major, only small relevant info. On any of the occasions she has tried to discuss matters of a serious nature I have always been able to deflect them and setup a time alone for the conversation. Every once and a while though, I get sucked into a small discussion of substance. These normally arise out of a small comment. For example. At this weeks drop off I inquired on the status of our legal documents. She is currently reviewing them and ideally was to have them sign by then. She explains they will be done and expresses a minor concern which only proves she has no understanding of the documents at all. This leads me to agree to her taking two weeks to review it. I really don't need her confused over it for twenty years.
Then, just when I thought it was done she says, "if he lives with you when he gets older, your not gonna let him drink are you?" my response that I was taking him out drinking that very night seemed to break the tension. I found myself dwelling on the statement for some time after, and obviously still if I'm bloggin about it. I'm not going to get into trying to understand her motivation, as it will only make me more upset. I'll refrain from trying to find the logic. I need to put all the frustration I have at such a ridiculous question away. I won't think, why the hell are you asking me that? What would make you think that? Why would you bring that up now??? Instead I'm going to focus on MY reaction at the time.I am considered by most people who have known me to be a bit of a smart ass. A quick wit, and verbal cunning are some of my proudest characteristics. Add to that my complete fearlessness in confrontation, which causes me without pause to go for the jugular and say the nastiest, most painful thing I can when pushed. And a light hearted, albeit, rather funny quip, of a response is not what most or I for that matter, would expect.this reaction is very telling. For one, it shows the extent of my emotional detachment. Her little jabs, even the unintentional ones that pissed me off the most, don't shake me. My resolve is ahead of my emotions.
A drastic difference from even a month ago. Walking the walk is a good feeling. Ok, so it still did bother me, but not snapping on her, and saving my expletives for my friends over a couple drinks is way more productive. I just can't wait till Jr can join us at the bar, I figure by age ten I can sneak him in for a few shots.

A single dads little moments : an extra day with Jr.

2009-09-18T07:58:00.000-07:00

So at the beginning of the weekend I wrote this fantastic but long blog post about asking the ex for an extended visit with Jr for the weekend. But I wrote it on my itouch and the battery died as I was trying to post it and it got completely erased. Boo urns.... I have decided not to rewrite it immediately as I'm sure I will approach the subject again. I will however describe in brief some of the main points. It seems that every time I ask my sons mother for extra time with Jr she obliges yet, thanks me and acts as if I am doing her a favour. Strange. The motivations and reasoning behind which are subject for another blog. She does however, see it as me helping her. In this case it was most definitely me who was helped.Every year, all over Toronto, and most major cities I suspect, neighborhoods block off sections of the main street and have sort off block parties. Frequently, organized by local business associations, these events allow retailers to set up in the street and offer deals and demos to the public. One of the most popular in Toronto is the "taste of the danforth". This takes place in the east end of the city in the heart of the Greek neighborhood. Thousands flock to the area to have amazing street served gyros, sovlaki, enjoy live music, carnival style games and rides for the kids. I'm sure you get the picture. However, my neck of the woods, the west end, we have the "taste of the kingsway" being a more diverse hood the food varies from tapas, tai, French, sushi, just about anything you can think of. Accompanied by the same, perhaps identical games and rides. When I first met and dated my ex I was living in the kingsway. I had a small two bedroom apt above an Italian restaurant that I shared with my best friend of 15 years. The place was a dump, but fit our needs perfectly. Lots of local bars, restaurant and cafes. You can't throw a rock and not hut a Starbucks. Once my roommate moved out it was the first of three apartments my sons mom and I shared. I'll spare u some of my nostalgic looking back, or at least save it for another time. I'd spend hours walking streets, watching families and thinking of the family I was starting. Especially during the taste of the kingsway. I'd picture walking Jr through the crowd. Going on the rides. Buying him junk food. All the cheesy stuff I could imagine. This past weekend, I'm happy to say, I lived those thoughts. The day, although not exactly as I'd pictured it years ago, was a joy start to finish. We went early, and since I no longer live in the neighborhood, managed to find good parking. We roamed the street. Watching the crews get set for the onslaught of people. We walked and talked. Got balloons, popped balloons. Went on rides. Laughed and ate. I pointed out the apartment where we used to live. I couldn't get the smile off my face watching Jr in the bouncy castle while greenday played on the operators stereo. The sight of it two year old bouncing hysterically to great music listened to not 15 ft away when I was 23 yelling " dancing daddy!! Dancing!!" is an image I hope to never forget.

Single dad resources... Or lack there of

2009-08-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

Although it was the driving force in the creation of the undeadbeat dad, I'm still shocked and amazed at the lack of resources available for single fathers. In a world where you can get instant google results listing pages and pages of info on post modern hair styles for your dog, I still struggle to find a book or website that truly speaks to me. Its not that there is absolutely nothing but 80% of single parent info is from a moms view and most of the dads view stuff is aimed at a demographic I'm not a part of. Is my situation that rare? Am I the only separated father under 30 that's not a bum? The answer is a resounding no. There are plenty of guys just like me. I speak to them in real life all the time. It just seems that the world hasn't noticed. The stereotype of the deadbeat still prevails. On the situations where it doesn't, it seems to be replaced by a much older group of guys. I'm glad that there are places and info for those guys and I still find great information there, but its just not me. They seem to be in a different place. Have a different set of problems. But fear not. The community of undeadbeats is growing. The word is starting to spread. Soon the public perception will start to change. Stereotypes will be torn down. By the time I'm done there will be common knowledge of the type of men who are out there. The type of men who stand up, and don't run away from their responsibilities. We may get frustrated when every parenting book we buy is based on both parents. Even pissed off at the fathering book filled with anecdotes about that one time the wife went away and left him alone with the kids for a whole day and a half. But know this, we will set the new example. We will create the new standard from which all other men are judged. We may be single dads, but we are not alone. We love our kids. We love our lives. We are undeadbeat Dads.

Single Dads view # 1836 - The assumption of being a deadbeat

2009-08-17T11:34:00.000-07:00

The way I see it, single dads have been given a bad rap. I'm sure that's not news to any of us, but when its displayed first hand it can be hard to deal with.recently I was at a party and while keeping myself busy with the things people do at parties I was approached by a person I believe I've only met once. She skipped the usual formalities, small talk, and didn't even attempt to apologize for interrupting a potentially productive conversation I was having. Instead she simply blurted out,"how much time do you spend with you kid???" w-w-w-what?although I can't properly convey the tonality of the question, know that she was obviously making an accusation. The all too common belief is that single dads are deadbeats. Why would someone I don't even know cone at me like this? Would it be acceptable behaviour if I heard she wasn't married yet lived on her own and asked " do you pay your rent on time?" no. Of course it wouldn't. But that's the society we live in. The portrayal of single fathers as deadbeats is more often them not, the only representation that us shown. Its up to us. The undeadbeats out there to start spreading the word. Show the world that the stereotype is wrong and outdated. There will always be a certain amount if guys out there who manage to impregnate a woman and flee the scene faster and better then Kaiser Sauze. But that group is shrinking. The majority of guys I know are able to man up and take responsibility for their actions. Some day we will look back at the stereotype the same way we look back at all the others we no longer believe, and we'll wonder how people could have ever thought that way. We'll look at them with confusion and contempt. And we'll know how much better and more mature our society has become now that we don't look at things so narrow mindedly... At least that's the view I have from here.

Dead Beat Dad Search

2009-08-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

I had a very revealing meeting today with my associate/partner in crime Web Ninja Eli. We were looking at the search volumes for Dead beat dads and discovered the insane volume of searches for the following:
Deadbeat dads child support
Dead beat fathers
deadbeat search
deadbeat registry
deadbeat dads database
deadbeat dads go to jail
find deadbeat dads
locate deadbeat dads
help finding deadbeat dads
..... the list went on and on, but I think you get the point.

It came as a surprise. Not that I was unaware of the existence of deadbeat dads. Obviously, my name is a play on it. But the sheer volume of people who are desperately trying to track down their deadbeat dads ex husbands. A virtual industry exists solely to find these guys. Here I am doing what I can to spread the word that we are not all like this, and there is literally tens of thousands of women out there daily dealing, or trying to track down these guys. If any of you ladies are reading this, then my heart goes out to you. I cant imagine what it must feel like to be on that side of this equation and dealing with a dead beat dad that you cant even find. I'm not going to go off and get too preachy, but know that we aren't all like that. Many of us fathers of separated relationships care and are involved. Don't hold it against us. Even more importantly, don't hold it against yourself. The types of guys who act as juvenile as they did, and not only run but hide, leave you better off then you would be if they were around. I know that financially it may not feel like that, but a child's financial situation is not as important to their development as the people they have around them as they are growing up. I have heard responses from woman dealing with dead beat dads who left say that they need a male role model for their sons. Believe me when I say Dead beat dads who leave could never be the type of role model you are looking for, for one simple reason. They are not men. Just as the female genitalia functioning or not does not make someone a woman, the ability to father a child doesn't make some one a man. Raising the child and becoming a Dad is what makes us men. People who run and hide like cowards are not men. I admire your search for dead beat dads, and wish you as much luck as I can, and if their is any way for me to help I'd love to. Just remember, as painful as it may be, your kids are better off with out their money, if it brings that type of person into their lives.

Jr Likes My Music More

2009-08-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

Let me just explain at the start that I am a huge music head. At all times I have music playing. My iPod is always in my pocket, there's always music playing in my apt, and I'm always downloading and making playlist/burning CDs. It was always a point of contention between my ex and I. Her taste in music is drastically different then mine and she saw my passion as an obsession. Recently while she was dropping off Jr, she mentioned that anytime they are in the car she plays a lot of music and he always starts dancing. This was not news to me as he has always been very responsive to music. Always getting up and dancing, or at least moving in beat from his seat. Her point though, as she continued was that he likes her music. She pressed on this point as if to say that his validation of her music some how proves that its better then the music I listen to. A number of immediate reactions went through me. For one, why was she trying to start a fight? Out of nowhere?how come She felt the need to bring up old discussion, Which made me very frustrated. Also, how does that even settle anything? All that proves is that she has the satisfaction of a two year old. He also like talking trains, singing the alphabet and things that are shiny. So what does that say about her. All that aside, the most revealing thing was actually her need to make this point in the first place.as much as we try to consciously create the type if coparenting relationship that we want, one that is positive and productive, problems and fights will still happen. Remember there is a reason the romantic relationship fell apart in the first place. There's obviously some sort of toxicity between the two of us and most likely communication is a key flaw. So again the question comes up of why is she doing this? Truth is there may be a thousand reasons we will never be aware if. Perhaps she's had a terrible few days and feels pushed down and therefor needs to push someone else down to make herself feel better. Or even maybe the whole thing was innocent or even a lie. There is no way for us to know. That means that the only thing we can do is let it go. We can't allow ourselves to fall into the trap. Taking the bait and starting a fight is completely counter productive. All we would end up doing is getting all worked up and unraveling all the hard work we have done in trying to make things as good as possible for our kids. Fighting over tiny irrelevant issues must not get in the way. We can't let it. Its very hard and sometimes more frustrating then the actual fight would have been. Sometimes depending on circumstances we may even be hoping for a fight. Its not uncommon after a long relationship, to have a hard time being on our own. The idea of the fight may take us back to a point in our lives where we weren't lonely. This type of self sabotage must be averted. If we are struggling with loneliness, this will only make the problem worse as we continue to keep ourselves from creating new, more positive relationships by keeping us wrapped up in the old one.what we need to do is keep our goals in front if us. Remember what it is we are trying to accomplish and not sweat the small stuff.there is a part of me that hopes, right now, he does prefer her music. A two year old Slayer fan starting a one man mosh pit in the back seat would be kinda creepy anyway.

Mommies Wine - When kids say something, we need to think about it before getting too upset

2009-07-20T15:48:00.000-07:00

An interesting test in my ability to view the correct context and perspective. Recently while going for a walk with my son, we passed a liquor store. As we approached, and the entire time it was in view, my son repeated " mommies wine, mommies wine" this means obviously he has been to the liquor store with his mother enough times to be able to recognize the sign and understand its where she buys wine. I was hit by a series of emotions and thoughts at the time. Initially amusing and somewhat disturbing. Not knowing how often she must be going for him to know the place so well. Was she drinking too much? If she's not working and asking for an increase in support payments why is she buying booze?All these questions and more are a fair and rational response. But, are they productive? No. As difficult as it may be, we need to remember that as long as our kids health, safety and well being are not in jeopardy, then her life is none of our concern. Obviously if there was a history of alcohol abuse or other signs it would be a dramatically different story. Knowing her as well as I do, and seeing and conversing with her as often as I do, any fears of abuse should be put aside.A brief history in the interests of full disclosure. I drink. Not excessively, not daily, but frequently. A couple times a week. My sons mom also drinks. It was a large part of our lives, for one since we met while both working in a bar. Also drinking and having a good time was probably, in hindsight, one of the strongest bonds between us, especially early in our relationship. So I pass no judgment on her going out and getting a bottle of wine, and not even for taking Jr with her. I have many fond memories of going shopping with my parents which included the weekly run to the liquor store.All that being said, it may seem strange that I would have a negative gut reaction to " mommies wine" but the old feelings of anger, mistrust, and whatever still linger. As I'm sure they do for a lot of us. The trick is to not let those emotions get the best of us. When our kids say things involving our former significant others we need to stop and think about the context in which they are saying it. Odds are they don't mean to be telling us things about our ex. They don't see us and their mom as exs. Young children have no comprehension of the relationship. Even as adults we struggle with It. So why then do we tend to put an adult context on things they say. Its just not logical. We must attempt to see things from their eyes. If, that is, we are unable to simply drop it. Its quite possible he only went once. Maybe twice. Kids remember and lock on to things for the strangest of reasons. We have all heard stories of big elaborate plans or events done by parents and all the kid ends up remembering was the 50 cent hot dog that was terrible. Since our goal is to be effective, nurturing, loving parents, and we know that a key to accomplishing this goal is perspective, then we must not only focus on our own. We need to study and spend as much time as possible to understand the perspective from which our kids see the world. This will give us the context to understand them better, particularly in the early linguistically challenged years before they become able express themselves. Even if they never say things which could be misinterpreted, which they will, whats the worst thing that could happen. We get to know our kids better. Isn't that what we are all trying to do any way?

Wrong Name

2009-07-13T18:23:00.001-07:00

This week I had an interesting experience with my son. A good test of my patience, and ability to put things in the proper perspective. My son called me by the wrong name. Not just any wrong name mind you, but the name of his mothers boyfriend. He did realize it and after pausing for a beat, corrected it. But still, it hurt. I understand he's only two. So it was a reflex, he obviously wasn't passing any sort of judgement. I don't even see it as a threat to our relationship. It was just one of those moments that makes you think. As much as I try, there will be other people in my sons life. Other men or woman who have an impact on him. My personal opinions of these people are irelevent. They are an aspect of his life which I can't control. All that I can control is my involvment in his life. Maybe this guy will be around for awhile, maybe he won't. It doesn't make a diference. Letting things like that get to me is completley counter productive. If I had become visibly upset, besides what ever psycological effects, all it would have done is ruin the rest of my day with jr. Thats a day that I cherrish. I can't allow myself to be brought down by such a trivial and completley accdental mistake. There will he many things that will come up over the years that will drive us nuts. It won't be smooth sailing for the rest of our lives. Letting things like this get to us won't help. We need to stay calm and focus on the task at hand. Our goal is to raise our kids the best we can and establish the best possible relationship with them. Not to win some kind of popularity contest, Which a simple slip is no indication we are even in.Some good did come from this however. Every time life slides us a test, its a great feeling to know that we've passed.

Tying up loose ends

2009-07-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

At the end of any relationship there's always a ton of loose ends. Things one person may have wanted to say to another, items that need to be returned, whatever. At the end of a relationship that brings a child these loose ends may be more significant, and also can't be left and forgotten about. Through the seperation or divorce many of these matters are taken care of via the courts or mutual decision. But occasionally there may be points of contention which were never revolved and continue to irritate the both parties involved. Its of paramount importance to us as responsible caring parents that we attempt to create the most productive relationship possible with our firmer significant others. Its in the best intrest of the children to do so and must be kept in the forefront if our minds when ever we are making decissions regarding our kids or our ex's. With this in mind we must see that we address all loose ends from the now defunct romantic relationship, to avoid dragging out old problems and keep us from moving on with our lives. We must focus on our ex as the mother of our kids and not as our ex girlfriend/wife. In my case there has for a long time been an on going argument over old credit card bills that were acumulated while we were living together but only in her name and within obvious reason, with out my consent I'd knowledge. It progressed to a point where she was planning on persueing legal action against me. The conversation I had with her most recently though, she stated her lawyer is convinced I would lose in court 100% but she didn't want to put me through that. So, she decided to declare bankruptcy instead. The logic of which completely escapes me. @24 yrsold, unemployed, single mother of a two year old and declaring bankruptcy. My initial gut reflex is get a job!! Pay your bills, what little bills there are since she is being suported and living with her new boyfriend plus the child support payments by me which are nearly double my legal requirement. This line of thinking is counter productive. Her life outside of the ability and desire to help raise our son, is completly non of my concern. Do I think its a bad move that she's doing this? Ofcourse, but it serves as a great reminder and monument to show me how glad I am not to he romantically involved with her anymore. Also on the up side, the fact that I won't be going to court over her debts is kinda cool, although I do know her well enough to understand that the bankruptcy is something which she will blame me for, and hang over my head for atleast the next 7 years. That, is the downside. The fact that the relationship which is now over will still have dramatic lasting effects on me and my life for many, many years to come. But that just goes with the territory. All just a series if moves in what will be a twenty year chess game. My role now is to try and correctly decide on the strategy, and know when to be aggresive and when to play defence. Time will tell. There is ofcouse the possibility that I've just gone from the frying pan into the fryer.

Trust

2009-07-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

Do you know the number one way you tell some one is lying?Its when some one says Trust me...See the thing is if you could trust them, they would never have to say that. Trust isnt some thing that comes easy. Frequently the word is over used. Respect is over used in todays culture much in the same way. Ironically they are two of the most important things we will ever come across interms of dealing with people. Nothing will paramount true trust or respect in a relationship. NOTHING. Just because people throw the words around all the time doesnt meanthey actually know what the words mean. An example of this, and actually an example of a lot of things was a conversation I had recently with my sons mother. It was a conversation which quickley mutated into a fight. I'll spare some of the sorted details but it had to do with a certain change in her life which I dramatically disagree with both from a personal level and from a theoretical parenting, and , well, human and citizen stand point. By the end of the conversation, which had calmed down, she stated: "Its my judgment thats got me this far in life, so trust me."Really? I know for a fact for one, that I had the dont trust people who say trust me conversation with her on several occasions over the course of our relatioship. However, I cant look back on those times and think that they should have a positive effect on our current situation, cuz if they did, we wouldnt be in our current situation. What gets me the most, is where is it exactley you think you are?Now, understand that I make it a point not to come off too hard on her in all of my public forums, since I do think that would be counterproductive, and I actually have a lot of really good things to say about her and her parenting... But... Being at the age she is at, and in the living and employment situation she is in, I really dont feel she is making a strong case for herself by holding up her current standard of living and using it as Exhibit A in the defence of her more recent choices. Strange. It just helps to remind me how much better my life is having the ability to keep her at the apropriate distance. There are many reasons why I cherish the time I spent with her, not the least of which is the birth of my son. Also tho, I do feel the amount that I have learned in this living case study into the complexity of relationships and in dealing with someone whom you can not communicate with and who you dont understand even the most basic of thought processes with, is stagering. It has lead me to some of the most profound and influential realizations about myself that I ever thought possible. I see human nature and essentially our intire civilization in a whole new light. The depth of my knowledge into how to "know" someone, what its like to trust, love, betray and be betrayed is unfthomable. lol. Seriously, I feel that I have a better understanding of people and how to comunicate, express, feel, love, then I ever have and it has all made me a better person and I am stronger for it.......... trust me.